Apparently I hadn't posted an entry since June. I'm sorry. I didn't think anybody followed up my journal entries, especially when they're more than a few sentences long, people just scroll straight past me. But I am sorry that I made some of you worry about my safety. I'm fine. I just needed some space, some time to think... to be honest, some time away from depressed people.
 

So, a bit of an update if you follow... I left my crappy weekend job after some customer told me I was f*****g useless... ok, maybe sounds petty. What does it matter what she thought of me? Well, it doesn't. But it doesn't pay enough to deal with that kind of upset. I need to be boosted up! Not kicked when I'm down. There were obviously lots of other things at work I didn't like and I'm at College Monday - Friday every week so working weekends took up my free time. I plan on spending my last year at College focusing on my exams and spending some more time with my family because they remind me why I am here and that I am loved.

My best friend has started College. She's a year behind me now because she was in hospital for another year with Anorexia. She's agreed to see me tomorrow at 6:30. Hopefully she's on the mend, especially seeing as though she's started College - that's got to be a positive. And the fact that now she wants to keep in touch with me.

I'm very touched by the comments. You all make an impact on my life, my self-esteem and I'm glad some of you, although not many, feel some comfort in knowing there's somebody out there who feels the same way as you do. I just think that sometimes you can get so wrapped up in the internet it's like you forget about the real world. The real world isn't all bad...

Keep on fighting. I'm not sure when I'll post or log in again but take care of yourselves.

So... where to start? I’m not sure. I suppose this entries going to be all over the place but that’s kind of reflective of me. I’m all over the place.

It's just a case of staying focused on the positives now. I'm loved. I have a wonderful family, friends & boyfriend. I'm lucky.

UPDATE: LJ Cut didn't work... epic fail!

I'm distraught over the death of Suzie Q... I just keep crying. And now I have to go and do my Philosophy and Ethics exam... this should be fun.

God help me.

Not that you helped Suzie Q...

Please feel free to introduce yourself to me. I didn't set my profile to private because some people have stumbled across me in communities and posted helpful and supportive comments on my own livejournal. But it would be nice to know who you are, where did we meet on LJ and a brief intro about yourself - nothing too personal about age, appearance, full name... just some small basics really. It would be nice. Thank you for adding me as a friend.

Take care.

Crying my eyes out and nobody's in the house so I can sob as loud as I want. I hate myself. I hate feeling so low. And I hate that I have nothing to help me feel any better. I need real help.

I keep having panic attacks. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

He’s taking me to see my favourite band, even though he gets really jealous that I’m practically in love with the lead singer/guitarist/frontman.

He said he’s not drinking because he ‘wants to remember how happy I was’.

Happiness is a funny thing... that night will be temporary happiness but I’ll have the memories after. I just don’t know how to make myself truly feel happy without seeking medical advice.

My boyfriend’s always saying to me I deserve to feel happy. Even we have sex he says I deserve to feel good. But I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I don’t deserve any happiness or pleasure. In fact, I think I deserve quite the opposite.

I’m an AS student in my first year of college. One of the subjects I study is English Literature. We’ve been studying Christina Rossetti and her work for our exam. As revision I’ve been reading around different interpretations of her work for example in 'Goblin Market' there are all the sexual interpretations but also fairy-tale aspects depending on how you read the poem. In ‘Goblin Market’ (if anyone’s familiar with her work), Laura’s trance like state is supposed to be similar to one noticed in Christina’s poems before, the state between life and death, the ‘twilight that does not rise nor set’. The sleepers in ‘Sleep at Sea’ are in such a trance; it is also there in many other poems, especially some that other writers believe that ‘wisely’ Christina did not publish...

I grow so weary: is it death
This awful woeful weariness?
It is a weight to wake, a weight to sleep;
I have no heart to work or weep...

This poem is the ‘living death’ of depression and the character of Laura in 'Goblin Market' entranced state is similar which is how I stumbled across this passage.

I found great comfort in this literature. I wish it was published. I personally, think it’s beautiful. It’s also definitely something I can relate to with my depression.
 

Dear LJ,

I’ve decided I’m going to try to be online more often and start posting entries on my own livejournal, rather than in just communities. Maybe getting things off of my chest will lift a couple of weights from my shoulders.

Today was an ok day really. I’m tired but glad to be back in the college swing of things. Keeping busy always helps. I’m glad to be back in the college routine... rather than spending the two weeks in Easter moping around, crying and lying in bed. Now I’m too busy to be melancholy.

In the resource centre today (kind of like the college’s library if anyone happens to be reading this), I went in after lunch in my free period to revise and the staff were taking photographs. I’m extremely self-conscious and can’t stand other people taking my photograph and absolutely hate not seeing it after. Anyway, hopefully I managed to avoid it... when she came over with a camera I’d route through my bag (which wouldn’t make a good photo) or look at the floor, lift my folder up etc. I left about 10 minutes after because I couldn’t bare it any longer. They really should ask for people’s permission. She gave me a funny look as I walked out so maybe this means she took notice of me avoiding the camera. Hopefully I succeeded. I’m going to try to forget about it though. If I see any photos of me, surely I will have the right to get them removed. But like I said, they should have asked for people’s permission. I couldn’t even revise in peace!

I’m going to have to really start knuckling down with some solid revision. I was going to make a revision timetable but I’m not sure how to organise it. I obviously don’t want it to be equal because some exams are before others... I don’t know. The bottom line is revision needs to be done.

In form today, which is completely and utterly pointless but anyway, we discussed revision techniques but I’m already pretty good at revising and have techniques which make it enjoyable – flash cards, posters, sticky notes, highlighting etc. My form teacher gave us a sheet where we would write down our feelings of how we felt when we achieved and failed in exams. On the side which ‘If only I had...’ we were supposed to bullet point things we wish we did. I couldn’t think of any. I try my best and that is all I can do. I can’t put more hours into the day to revise. I’m pleased with all the grades I’ve got to be honest. Discussing the positives of how we felt when we had achieved success I could relate to but found it difficult to say I felt accomplished, proud of myself etc. All the stress makes me the feeling a little numb; of course I couldn’t say this. So... maybe when I achieve my goal of becoming a nursery/primary school teacher I’ll feel those feelings stronger than ever. But for now, there’s still a lot of work to be done.

I’ve eaten so much today... I look and feel so bloated. I’m on my period too so the bloatedness is all the more worse. As of next week:
- No snacks
- Start exercising every night
- No chocolates or sweets... bin all the damn eater eggs and chocs if I have to

I tried to make myself throw up... couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead tonight I’ll revise and when I take breaks exercise so I’ve got motivation to keep revising. I could drink loads of water to try to flush out of all the crap I’ve eaten, but then I’ll be even more bloated.

I don’t have an eating disorder but I see how tempting the slope is...