keepxsmiling

Boyfriend... lovey dovey entry.

2009-12-22T09:51:39Z

My boyfriend... is so perfect. He is honestly the love of my life and has been since October 2007. I wish we realised that we were meant to be together sooner, it would have saved us both so much heartache and misery.

He's always there for me when I get myself down. Sometimes he just holds me and kisses me on the head, as if a kiss on the head will make everything which goes on in my head go away. I don't know how he can do this... be with someone who's depressed, not much fun, doesn't particularly enjoy life, but he's here and thank God for that. He's so gorgeous, handsome, sexy... I could just stare at him all day. And when I over-think things he lifts my face up and just with a look it pretty much says stop over-thinking. He said he doesn't mind how we live our lives, as long as that we're together. Last night he told me "you need to smile more, don't you?" Ok, so it's not that easy... but all I want is to make him happy. He knows the difference between a genuine smile and one you wear to put a front on. So my new aim: learn to smile more.

keepxsmiling @ 2009-12-20T14:28:00

2009-12-20T14:29:02Z

Hi everyone,
Not sure who will be reading this... of if anyone will be? But writing this will give me some peace of mind. Thank you for the kind messages sent to me about my welfare and I hope you're all doing as best as you can with everything that's going on for you. I'm a little lost and not sure what I've replied to or not so please don't think I'm being rude, although it will probably come across that way.
I still go to counselling. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I e-mail the Samaritans when I'm desparate and get some irritating reply like "and how does that make you feel?" or "why don't you speak to somebody?" Because you e-mail somebody different everytime, so it's like trying to explain your story time and time again, without feeling like you've been heard.
I feel like my life is fading away. When I've fallen out with friends I kept a low profile... and I've just faded away. People don't remember/recognise me now. I've lost my interests... I don't care much for my music or my writing because I feel like neither will ever be good enough.
I'm terrified of death, of my loved ones dying... I'm sticking around because I want to be there for them and to help them get through this life. I find it hard to understand this "circle of life" thing... why on earth would you bring a child into this world when you know that you're giving it life only to die at the end of it all? And that one day you'll die to and won't be there for him/her? For this reason, why would I want children?
I'm not sure how to end this off, it's a sh1t entry I know... and I haven't been on here for a long time. I just wanted you to know that I hope you're all ok... because I'm not, not really.
Take care.

keepxsmiling @ 2009-10-05T16:01:00

2009-10-05T15:12:12Z

So... I stayed well away from LiveJournal for a few months with the intention of deleting my account, but yet again, it's still here. This is the second time I've said I'd stay away from depression communities but some how I just can't let go of it. It's like it's there as a back up plan.

Apparently I hadn't posted an entry since June. I'm sorry. I didn't think anybody followed up my journal entries, especially when they're more than a few sentences long, people just scroll straight past me. But I am sorry that I made some of you worry about my safety. I'm fine. I just needed some space, some time to think... to be honest, some time away from depressed people.

So, a bit of an update if you follow... I left my crappy weekend job after some customer told me I was f*****g useless... ok, maybe sounds petty. What does it matter what she thought of me? Well, it doesn't. But it doesn't pay enough to deal with that kind of upset. I need to be boosted up! Not kicked when I'm down. There were obviously lots of other things at work I didn't like and I'm at College Monday - Friday every week so working weekends took up my free time. I plan on spending my last year at College focusing on my exams and spending some more time with my family because they remind me why I am here and that I am loved.

My best friend has started College. She's a year behind me now because she was in hospital for another year with Anorexia. She's agreed to see me tomorrow at 6:30. Hopefully she's on the mend, especially seeing as though she's started College - that's got to be a positive. And the fact that now she wants to keep in touch with me.

I'm very touched by the comments. You all make an impact on my life, my self-esteem and I'm glad some of you, although not many, feel some comfort in knowing there's somebody out there who feels the same way as you do. I just think that sometimes you can get so wrapped up in the internet it's like you forget about the real world. The real world isn't all bad...

Keep on fighting. I'm not sure when I'll post or log in again but take care of yourselves.

I felt like I needed to get things off of my chest, not really looking for support, just a release.

2009-06-04T08:01:02Z

So... where to start? I’m not sure. I suppose this entries going to be all over the place but that’s kind of reflective of me. I’m all over the place.

My exams are finally out of the way. They came way too soon and I felt so low and stressed around my exams that it made it hard for revision. I tried and I did as much as I could considering that I had more important things to think about... for example trying to focus on wanting to stay alive, not learning ridiculous facts for an exam that won’t help me in the future. But it’s all about getting UCAS points from my A levels so I can do Primary Teaching at University.

My last exam was on Tuesday... Philosophy and Ethics on the afternoon. I logged onto the depression community, I’m not sure why, I just did. I heard the news of Suzie Q’s death. I saw the posts in her journal which I feel were aimed at me. I didn’t mean to be bossy. I just felt like something needed to be urgently done. And now it’s too late... she’s gone. And I feel like I’m to blame.

My boyfriend, in all honesty, has been driving me insane! I know I’m irritable sometimes, but God. Every 5 minutes I’m asked if I’m ok... of course I’m not ok! And I’m sick of pretending to be and even ‘promising’ to be ok. He tells me he loves me all of the time – just stop. I love him but I need room to breathe. I know it’s only because he cares. I told him about Suzie Q’s death... and he came round on the night after I finished my exam at college and he finished work. Instead of cuddling me, comforting me... he basically snogged my face off, messed about with my boobs and I ended up doing stuff to him. I didn’t want to and he didn’t force himself. But I felt like he wanted it and I always do anything, not necessarily sexually, but anything to make him feel good about himself. Now he’s apologised for how he acted and said he just wanted to cheer me up. There’s more to our relationship than sex. Happiness has more than just sex! He said he’s going to make it up to me Friday and we’re going to just have a snuggle... and try to forget the world.

We were on the phone last night and I basically snapped and told him to stop asking if I’m ok – I’m not, and to stop telling me he loves me. I feel smothered. So he said sorry and said he’d try not to as much, it was just because he’s in love with me. And then I accused him of not being in love with me at all, but the idea of being in love. He loves all the soppiness, romanticism of love. And I told him that I had fell in love with him and it scares the shit out of me. So I feel very guilty and I handled this in completely the wrong way, I know. I sent him our usual morning texts... and I’m ignored, which just doesn’t happen normally. So I’ve fucked up now.

We’re fussy over food... we hardly like the same thing and so when he comes round mine or I go round his it’s always difficult finding something we both like. My Mum made chicken, new potatoes and vegetables for him and the same for me but sausages. It looked gross. It’d been in a slow cooker all day. And I was embarrassed because I know he always makes an effort for tea. I didn’t eat. He had a bite... and then I threw it all away in my bin. I took down the plates after and Mum asked me why one set of knife and folk hadn’t been used and so I told her. She said she just didn’t know what to do and that I should have brought it down and she would have ordered us a pizza or something. I said I was sorry. And Mum told me I need to make sure I’m eating.

I just feel so depressed. I feel responsible for suicide, guilty for making my boyfriend feel bad just for loving me, stressed and terrified about my exam results... my parents and my little sister are the only ones keeping me here. I keep on fighting every day for them.

Oh and my cousin works away in France as a chef. He snowboards, parties all the time... can speak loads of different languages and basically he lives the life or riley! Well he came round our house before and I hadn’t seen him in years. Now he’s home for a few months and we’ve added each other on Facebook so we can keep in touch now. So I feel like I gained someone. And he loves me too.

Oh... I just got a text from my boyfriend: ‘Morning beautiful. Sorry my phone died & I left my charger at work. It’s ok babe I don’t need a thanks. I’m in love with you so I’m always going to understand... I wanna be there for you always I promise. I’m going to make sure I last:). I know were forever babe. I hope you wanna be that as much as me. I love you loads xxxxx’

So now I feel even more guilty. I’m so lucky and I feel so frustrated with myself for feeling so down! Urgh God... I’m going on a bike ride now with a friend anyway, so best be off.

I daren’t look back at this entry... I know it’ll be all over the place, just like me. I’m sorry for the blasphemy too. I know it’s not your fault God... but couldn’t you have helped Suzie Q? Take care of her.

I had a good day yesterday though. I went shopping with Mum and had a nice girly day out. I can finally relax now my exams are over. And I've missed spending time with my loved ones when I've been so consumed with revision. Me and my family went for a walk at the beach too after tea which was nice. When we were shopping though Mum said she was looking for some 'St John' tablets... at first I didn't think anything of it. But then it clicked and I was like 'St John's Wort' and she said yeah. I showed her the blue Kalms and said those are for that kind of thing (after Teresa recommended them). After I had a word with Mum about them and she said that they weren't for depression when I asked her. I know what they're for because I was looking for natural remedies for depression. Mum said she wants them for irritability, stress... and reassured me she's not depressed. I believe her.

Today I'm going for a bike ride with my friend and going round her house after to see the pupies! Her dogs have just have like 7 puppies. Brown chocolate labs and they've started to open their eyes! How cute?! I'm usually frightened of dogs but I doubt little puppies will scare me! lol so today should be a good day, like yesterday.

I am going to go now btw! This will be so confusing but it helped me to get things off my chest

It's just a case of staying focused on the positives now. I'm loved. I have a wonderful family, friends & boyfriend. I'm lucky.

UPDATE: LJ Cut didn't work... epic fail!

keepxsmiling @ 2009-06-02T10:29:00

2009-06-02T09:29:43Z

I'm distraught over the death of Suzie Q... I just keep crying. And now I have to go and do my Philosophy and Ethics exam... this should be fun.

God help me.

Not that you helped Suzie Q...

New LJ friends, please read!

2009-05-28T18:38:02Z

Please feel free to introduce yourself to me. I didn't set my profile to private because some people have stumbled across me in communities and posted helpful and supportive comments on my own livejournal. But it would be nice to know who you are, where did we meet on LJ and a brief intro about yourself - nothing too personal about age, appearance, full name... just some small basics really. It would be nice. Thank you for adding me as a friend.

Take care.

Breaking down

2009-05-22T12:44:46Z

Crying my eyes out and nobody's in the house so I can sob as loud as I want. I hate myself. I hate feeling so low. And I hate that I have nothing to help me feel any better. I need real help.

I keep having panic attacks. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

keepxsmiling @ 2009-05-22T13:17:00

2009-05-22T12:19:14Z

I feel so alone. I just want somebody to hold me and not let go, for an entire day. Just let me fall apart in their arms. Cry on their shoulders as loud as I want without saying "what's wrong?", and just let me let myself go.

My perfect boyfriend...

2009-05-12T19:57:26Z

He’s taking me to see my favourite band, even though he gets really jealous that I’m practically in love with the lead singer/guitarist/frontman.

He said he’s not drinking because he ‘wants to remember how happy I was’.

Happiness is a funny thing... that night will be temporary happiness but I’ll have the memories after. I just don’t know how to make myself truly feel happy without seeking medical advice.

My boyfriend’s always saying to me I deserve to feel happy. Even we have sex he says I deserve to feel good. But I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I don’t deserve any happiness or pleasure. In fact, I think I deserve quite the opposite.

Thinking thin...

2009-04-29T19:38:24Z

Ok, so my best friend suffers with Anorexia Nervosa. I’m always reading up on it, trying to understand her and her eating disorder... but lately it’s become a bit of an addiction reading ‘pro ana’ websites which I would not recommend to anybody because they do trigger even those who thought it never would, being me.

I have pictures of ‘thinspiration’ saved onto my laptop which I know I should delete. I should stop checking these 'pro ana' sites too.

I’ve always been thin. I’ve never had a problem with being overweight. I’m a comfy size 8 but with big boobs.

We popped in my aunties a few weeks back and my coat has like a tie around my waist which I love because when you have big boobs if you wear baggy tops, you just look big all over when really it’s just the boobs. Anyway she hugged me and said “eee, doesn’t she make you sick? You must get skinnier everytime I see you!” – huge compliment, which I know probably shouldn’t have been. Sick meaning jealous btw. My Mum held my hand tonight and said “Look at those tiny wrists” which I also took as a big compliment despite the worried expression on her face.

I’m also worryingly addicted to “Ana’s song” by Silverchair atm.

Maybe I’ll stop eating lunch at college... give me more time to revise and plus, I feel more confident the thinner I’m getting.

With depression one of the symptoms can be unexplained weight loss which I’ve had and now I’m just... curious?

I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone. I’m just venting, privately away from communities. I’d never want to trigger anyone. I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore...

Christina Rossetti - Any Literature enthusiasts please read :)

2009-04-22T14:12:29Z

I’m an AS student in my first year of college. One of the subjects I study is English Literature. We’ve been studying Christina Rossetti and her work for our exam. As revision I’ve been reading around different interpretations of her work for example in 'Goblin Market' there are all the sexual interpretations but also fairy-tale aspects depending on how you read the poem. In ‘Goblin Market’ (if anyone’s familiar with her work), Laura’s trance like state is supposed to be similar to one noticed in Christina’s poems before, the state between life and death, the ‘twilight that does not rise nor set’. The sleepers in ‘Sleep at Sea’ are in such a trance; it is also there in many other poems, especially some that other writers believe that ‘wisely’ Christina did not publish...

I grow so weary: is it death
This awful woeful weariness?
It is a weight to wake, a weight to sleep;
I have no heart to work or weep...

This poem is the ‘living death’ of depression and the character of Laura in 'Goblin Market' entranced state is similar which is how I stumbled across this passage.

I found great comfort in this literature. I wish it was published. I personally, think it’s beautiful. It’s also definitely something I can relate to with my depression.

Back into the college routine

2009-04-21T18:41:19Z

Dear LJ,

I’ve decided I’m going to try to be online more often and start posting entries on my own livejournal, rather than in just communities. Maybe getting things off of my chest will lift a couple of weights from my shoulders.

Today was an ok day really. I’m tired but glad to be back in the college swing of things. Keeping busy always helps. I’m glad to be back in the college routine... rather than spending the two weeks in Easter moping around, crying and lying in bed. Now I’m too busy to be melancholy.

In the resource centre today (kind of like the college’s library if anyone happens to be reading this), I went in after lunch in my free period to revise and the staff were taking photographs. I’m extremely self-conscious and can’t stand other people taking my photograph and absolutely hate not seeing it after. Anyway, hopefully I managed to avoid it... when she came over with a camera I’d route through my bag (which wouldn’t make a good photo) or look at the floor, lift my folder up etc. I left about 10 minutes after because I couldn’t bare it any longer. They really should ask for people’s permission. She gave me a funny look as I walked out so maybe this means she took notice of me avoiding the camera. Hopefully I succeeded. I’m going to try to forget about it though. If I see any photos of me, surely I will have the right to get them removed. But like I said, they should have asked for people’s permission. I couldn’t even revise in peace!

I’m going to have to really start knuckling down with some solid revision. I was going to make a revision timetable but I’m not sure how to organise it. I obviously don’t want it to be equal because some exams are before others... I don’t know. The bottom line is revision needs to be done.

In form today, which is completely and utterly pointless but anyway, we discussed revision techniques but I’m already pretty good at revising and have techniques which make it enjoyable – flash cards, posters, sticky notes, highlighting etc. My form teacher gave us a sheet where we would write down our feelings of how we felt when we achieved and failed in exams. On the side which ‘If only I had...’ we were supposed to bullet point things we wish we did. I couldn’t think of any. I try my best and that is all I can do. I can’t put more hours into the day to revise. I’m pleased with all the grades I’ve got to be honest. Discussing the positives of how we felt when we had achieved success I could relate to but found it difficult to say I felt accomplished, proud of myself etc. All the stress makes me the feeling a little numb; of course I couldn’t say this. So... maybe when I achieve my goal of becoming a nursery/primary school teacher I’ll feel those feelings stronger than ever. But for now, there’s still a lot of work to be done.

Comfort eating.

2009-04-19T16:59:25Z

I’ve eaten so much today... I look and feel so bloated. I’m on my period too so the bloatedness is all the more worse. As of next week:
- No snacks
- Start exercising every night
- No chocolates or sweets... bin all the damn eater eggs and chocs if I have to

I tried to make myself throw up... couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead tonight I’ll revise and when I take breaks exercise so I’ve got motivation to keep revising. I could drink loads of water to try to flush out of all the crap I’ve eaten, but then I’ll be even more bloated.

I don’t have an eating disorder but I see how tempting the slope is...

My first entry...

2009-04-19T09:51:26Z

Dear LJ,

I realise I’ve never posted an entry on my actual journal. I’ve just posted to a few depression communities... ‘depression’ (where you receive minimal support, if you’re lucky enough to have any at all, and the shorter your entries... the more support), ‘depressedteens’ (who never approved me joining the community or accepted my post), and finally, my third attempt, ‘adepressedstate’ which gives me hope.

Today I’ve done some more researching around bits and bobs on the internet with regards to depression. I’ve decided to make a list of how I feel/my symptoms with depression:
- Persistently sad, anxious, empty.
- Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.
- Loss of interest in pleasures/activities once enjoyed.
- Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling slowed down.
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering and making decisions.
- Changes in appetite resulting in weight loss.
- Suicidal thoughts, thoughts associated with death.
- Restlessness, irritability.
- Crying... more or less every single day.
- Trouble sleeping... early morning awakening or over-sleeping but just generally trouble falling asleep in the first place.
- Not coping with things that use to be manageable.
- Lack of confidence, low self-esteem.
- Feeling withdrawn – not wanting to socialise, feeling very alone even when with others.
- Persistent physical symptoms such as headaches, unexplained pains in muscles.
The only point which I couldn’t really identify myself with is ‘alternative ways of coping’, such as drinking excessively, smoking, drug taking, self harm etc. I don’t do any of those things. Maybe if I did though people would take me more seriously... why is it that only the physical illnesses get taken seriously?

I’m ill. I’m unstable. I’m depressed. I need help... but there’s none being made available to me. So I’ll just continue with the tears and hope that understanding my depression will help me to cope. Oh, and of course this new community ‘adepressedstate’.

I’ve had a couple of friend adds lately... my numbers are still relatively low on here though, but if by chance you’ve come across this entry, it would be interesting to see which symptoms or if all you can identify yourself with. If not, no problem... this entry was just intended for myself.